The Anti-Jeremy Corbyn People: How They Sound to Me

I may not have read any of Corbyn’s policies. But I have imagined what he might think, on the basis of an unorthodox hat he once wore. And let me tell you— never have I heard such barmy, bleeding-heart, loony-left, pie-in-the-sky, stuck-in-the-past, socks-and-sandals, mouth-frothing, terrorist-licking, weirdo-beardo Islington pinko codswallop in all my life.

I’m told Corbyn has some fanciful, Trotskyite notions about not treating the poor like vermin and avoiding imbecilic economic policy. Pfft. Go back to Russia, mate. I think I also read somewhere that he wants to reduce the deficit with a growth strategy, the like of which has never worked ever, apart from all the times it has.

Well, Corbyn can’t trick me with that old ‘saying things that are true’ routine. He can’t pull the wool over my eyes with his manifest skill at harnessing grassroots momentum and his ability to articulate a message of hope with clarity and conviction. Because I know that Corbyn is unelectable. He’s simply too left wing. I mean, for God’s sake, the man was friends with Tony Benn. And apparently he was a Bennite.

What the Corbyn Camp fail to realise is that, to stand a chance at the next election, we have to appease all the aspirational-small-business-owners-who-want-to-get-on. And those guys hate growth. They’re none too keen on schools or hospitals either. That’s why they, along with the rest of the country, love Osbornomics. This was proven at the general election. The public were able to voice clear-minded approval for the right-wing economic narrative, without being distracted by any ‘meaningful critiques’ or ‘credible alternatives’.

Moreover, I’ve just sacrificed a chicken and, according to its spleen, public opinion will stay exactly the same for the next five years, whatever events occur. So why would we elect a leader who’d only waste time and energy defying the chicken-spleen, trying to present a meaningful counter-narrative? Do you have any idea how much principled argument and competent political communication that would involve? No thanks, loonies.

There’s a much easier, much more sensible route back to power in 2020. We simply trail along in the Tory slipstream, frowning a bit should a pauper keel over from hunger or whatever, but basically drifting further and further to the right. Come election time, we’ll need a way to distinguish ourselves from the actual, historical party of the right. Easy. We simply sacrifice more chickens, petitioning the poultry gods to intervene in the campaign on our behalf. A nice scandal should do the trick: perhaps ‘Boris Johnson’ is outed as three Eton Sixth Formers sharing a suit; or perhaps George Osborne is filmed patrolling the treasury on a giant mechanical spider. We don’t know yet— it’ll depend on the breed of chicken.

The point is, in focusing near-exclusively on the centre-right, we have a tried and tested victory strategy.

It’ll be just like the Glorious Spring of ’97! Every schoolboy knows the story— Tony Blair hides inside a giant wooden Margaret Thatcher, tricking the Middle Englanders into letting him through their gates, only to leap out in the night and introduce the minimum wage at them. The moral? Labour only wins elections by pretending to be a different political party. (It also helps to have a preternaturally charismatic leader, a brilliant and ruthless media strategist and a divided and weakly-led opposition; but that’s all optional probably.)

Sadly, many Corbyn supporters are simply too stupid to appreciate water-tight arguments like the above. But there are others who know he’ll never get anywhere near Number 10. They see their support for Corbyn as a means of expressing their anger at a post-New Labour party too afraid to distance itself from the Tories, or want to try to shock it out of its complicity in a morally and intellectually bankrupt economic narrative.

What these idiots need to realise is that an important part of political maturity is accepting that your democratic preferences don’t matter. If you care about politics, it’s your duty to suppress what you believe to be right and true. You have to pander to the second-guessed preferences of everyone else. You have to examine your nearest set of chicken-guts, predicting where public opinion will be five years hence, shirking from any responsibility for shaping or changing the prevailing consensus.

If you don’t accept that, then you’re a petulant, naive, wet-behind-the-ears child, in need of a heart transplant, with a death wish for Labour. You should take your medicine and listen to your betters, like illegal war-enthusiast, Tony Blair, or scowling Apprentice semi-finalist, Chuka Umunna. They’ll tell you that, in the upcoming leadership vote, there’s only one way Labour members can save democratic socialism: sit down, shut up, and vote the way you’ve fucking well been told to.

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41 thoughts on “The Anti-Jeremy Corbyn People: How They Sound to Me

  1. Thank you so much for that, it was wonderful. It made my partner and I laugh out loud and put so much of what the ABC (anyone but Corbyn) campaigners look exactly what it is, foaming at the mouth drivel.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great bloody article. Like, a really sarcastically sharp pointy finger punch in the balls, (Nelson voice) ha ha, article.

    Just followed you on twitter. Maybe see you there.

    Enjoyed The Read

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This is really funny, but I’m not sure it’s accurate. The problem with the best bit (the chicken spleen bit) is that the Labour leadership contest is not a mini general election. The role of Labour members isn’t just to choose the leader with whom they are most ideologically aligned, they must choose the leader they think makes the party the best. Thus, to avoid the classic (Python-parodied) splintering of British socialism into many groups, they must choose the most electable leader, which does require second-guessing the electorate at large. When Labour votes with its heart and not its head (as in the Miliband/Miliband vote), we end up with a leader with no public appeal. We’ll be happy, and in opposition forever.

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    1. And this is probably essential given the bias and attack that the media/corporate/political class, axis of power are about to launch. Not on Corbyn per se, but upon any popular consensus that is articulated by him. The important thing is that these alternatives are articulated. It may be the end of the Labour party. But a whole generation are witnessing what happens when their dreams are attacked, and justice and human need that is denied and trampled on. Democracy is dead. Let Corbyn speak for the people.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. This is patronising Tony; the “role” of members here is to vote for a leader. The criteria they use to make that choice is up to them. For the record, as a Corbyn supporter, this isn’t about being “ideologically aligned”, it’s about making a break with the soundbite-led politics-by-numbers approach that just isn’t working for Labour. It’s about putting some energy, vision and authenticity into politics rather than relying on the Blairite formula of endless focus groups and media training. Ed could have done a bit better if he’d been allowed to be himself rather than the wooden awkward persona that the media consultants produced.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Tony, thanks for the thoughtful comment!

    While I wouldn’t deny that it would be good to choose an electable leader, the arguments I see in the media as to why ‘Corbyn is unelectable’ are, by and large, unconvincing. Even if we think we have a handle on where public opinion currently is, it’s a further and contestable step to assume that it couldn’t change or be changed over the next five years. That’s not intended as hopeless optimism that Corbyn might change everyone’s minds; events might go in his favour, but they might not. The point is, when we’re talking about ‘electability’, we’re talking about what voters will think in five years time. And whatever we might like to think, our data about that is just not that good. That’s why the augury comparison came to mind.

    Thanks for reading!

    M

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Besides, I can’t see the difference between not being elected and being elected only on condition of having more or less the same exact policies as the other party. That’s politics for the sake of politics and of being in power at all costs. If that is the case, we might as well keep the Tories, there’d be no difference anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Very good! I have despaired a bit at some of the crap being spouted constantly online so thank you for this. I have shared on my FB account. I would reblog but I think my followers would be a bit confused (totally different sort of blog!) x

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  6. Couldn’t agree more – track record, speeches, policies and evidence base all published on line but much easier to post an ideological troll post than challenge rationally – infuriating!

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  7. Fabulous!!! Let’s hope he gets in and sweeps all that pseudo-tory Blairites right out of the picture. It’s about time we had someone who makes sense, speaks his mind, has passion and has a common-sense set of policies. It gives me hope!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. How can you be a party when what you want is to be in power ?. The Labour party or any party for that matter should represent the people end of, if the people vote for J.C to be party leader then that is the same lot that made the big swing back in 97. The reasons why they left labour is because all your interested in is filling your back pockets and NOT fulfilling the peoples needs, get a grip and stop being scared of JC because he WILL turn the politicians house up side down and clean out you scum. good riddance to the lot of ya. P.S i will still not vote because I don’t think he goes far enough unlike the rest of you listening to the patter of pedophiles walking down the halls of the house you so declare to be part of.

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  9. Lovely ironical slant on the old arguments. Critics seem to forget that the new SNP MPs were elected on pretty much the same values that Corbyn has. So, not entirely unelectable. The extreme reactions of some Labour personalities betray a quivering fear of something. The electorate, perhaps?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Brilliant, funny blog – thank you! I think JC has a lot to recommend him, but I’m still in two minds whether or not to support him. Simply because there seems to be a risk that if he were leader, a large part of the PLP wouldn’t work with him, potentially leading to a repeat of the scenario in the 1980s when the SDP and Labour were competing against each other. I want Labour to have a leader who can unite the party – if that’s possible?!

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  11. Labour lost because it’s election strategy was devised by focus groups fixated on figuring out the secret of the Tories ‘success’. This saw Milliband dancing to the Tories tune.

    The Tories new that in the event of a hung parliament, that Labour would likely be unable to govern without the help of the SNP. They then set out to demonise the SNP, and by association most of the Scottish electorate. They decided that this was worth the risk to cling on to power for another 5 years, and by that time people in Scotland might have forgotten, but since they never voted Tory they didn’t actually matter anyway.

    What Ed should have done, was to brand the Tories a bunch of biggoted racist right wing extremists, and help sell the country on the benefits of a left of centre alliance. Instead he joined the Tories in their demonisation of all things Scottish.

    The English voters listened to all this anti-Scottish propaganda coming from both sides, decided it must be true, knew that Ed couldn’t form a government without the SNP, and voted Tory in droves, many of them switching in the final week of the campaign.

    Ed proved what we all thought, he was a spineless wimp, that looked nothing like a PM.

    The Tories proved that all those sixth form lectures on Machievelli were private tuition fees well spent.

    Corbyn wouldn’t have made that mistake.

    This country didn’t want the Tories or New Labour, and it certainly didn’t want the Lib Dems… it just didn’t have any other credible electable choice (unless you lived in Scotland).

    While the braying frothing sociopaths cast up Foot and ’83, what they always overlook, is that it was the Labour right that pushed the self destruct button when they split off the become the SDP.. That’s was cost Foot the election. That and Thatchers ra ra ‘victory’ in the Falkland’s war.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thanks for so eloquently putting into words all the jumbled thoughts and emotions I have had recently about the way that Jeremy is being ridiculed and lampooned by members of his own party. I am proud to say that I have infiltrated the Labour Party just to vote for Jeremy Corbyn. I belong to the Slightly Left of Centre Tendency who left the party after the Messiah Tony Blair revealed himself as an arch Tory and failed to implement so many promised reforms,

    Like

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